The Banana Peel Slip

It's a cornerstone prank of silent films.
It's the most annoying weapon in Mario Kart to both launch and run into.
It's been used in cartoons and even a memorable episode of Arrested Development.
Okay, all episodes of AD are memorable.
And okay, the most annoying weapon to be used against your character in Mario Kart is the lightning bolt that shrinks you, in the process inhibiting your speed to that of Koopa wading through maple syrup.

Speaking of wading through maple syrup, how delicious would that be if you also coincidentally had a plate (or multiple plates) of pancakes with you? The answer is it could be none more delicious.

Annnnyways, back to the beginning- I'm talking about the infamous, the classic, the always-entertaining slip on the banana peel.

Let's just get to the point- why does this not happen anymore?? Pies in the face are still pretty common, from elementary school fundraisers to Bill Gates and weddings (okay that's kind of stretch as it's not so much a prank), etc. Painting fake scenery on walls and having someone run into it even happens every once in awhile. I may have even seen an anvil fall on someone's head recently. And yes, the person did look and sound like an accordion as he was walking away. In fact, he somehow played the lead guitar riff from AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" within twelve steps of his unfortunate accident. That's heads-up.

But I have never, ever seen (or even have come close to seeing) someone slip on a banana peel. Yet it had to have happened at some point in time. Not only that, but it had to happen so many times, that it somehow became a well-known prank, enough so that it's now a part of mainstream culture and has been for at least 70(?) years. This to me is unbelievable.

If, at some point in my meaningless existence on earth (not that you would, but don't try to argue with me on the status of my meaninglessness, just look at what I'm doing with my free time), I would see someone actually slip on a banana peel and fall right onto their back with one leg straight up in the air, I would be able to die happy. Although, I've also said before that if I could ever find platform nine and three quarters I could also die happy. And I could also die happy if I was able to learn the drum parts for The Outfield's "Your Love" (yes, I'm going to try my best to reference that song and my endless...um...love...for it, as much as I can because if that song ever is forgotten, the world should probably not exist, or at least stop rotating for a day or two). Damn, I never realized there were so many ways to die happy.

In any case, I want to see the fabled "banana peel slip" just once in my life. Or see a real video of it happening to someone (the youtube ones are obvious setups and let me down). You fool me once youtube- shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me. Fool me thrice- I suck at life. On second thought, f that whole video crap, it can only be in real life to totally satisfy me.

And yes, if I found a genie, this would be one of my wishes.


Final note: in reference to the last blog, I was in a parking lot this past weekend and saw an old beat-up El Camino, painted in flat black primer. On the back of it, in stenciled, spray-painted white letters, was the greatest pairing ever of words in the English language- "No Fear." It was truly a Palm Sunday miracle.

No Fear

It's been too long.

For the past several months, I've wrestled with the loss of certain parts of my wardrobe circa 1993, which surprisingly aren't my JNCO jeans that I know instantly came to your mind. Okay I do miss those jeans a little. But for better or for worse, I'm bringing back "No Fear" t-shirts/long-sleeved t-shirts/maybe the huge (and clearly illegal) stickers that rednecks with trucks 6 feet off the ground and cool neon shocks put on their rear window. Seriously, the shocks were great, albeit, secondary to the sticker.

In any case, it's no surprise that the No Fear company was once a huge trend. I mean, come on- the product sells itself. How can anyone not feel like conquering the world when they have NO FEAR?? Their sayings aren't just some clever quip or slogan (see: the highbrow Big Johnson t-shirts of the same era); rather, they're fruits of wisdom, ripe with timeless (though somewhat paradoxical) advice, like "A champion is someone who gets up even when they can't" (although first off- that's incorrect grammar, "they" should be "he/she", and it just doesn't actually make any sense) or, better- "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." Side note: In all fairness to people who suck at life, I will say it would be an interesting predicament if everyone was clamoring for the edge, because probably a lot of innocent people with no fear would die in the process. But to be completely honest, I am sick of people who don't live on the edge, because I"m like "Hey man, get away from me with your trying-to-be-hip (hip isn't even a word) Jerry Garcia tie and safe office job- I'm trying to jump my dirtbike over my dad's shed and you're blocking the way." And this is why bringing back the No Fear ideal is necessary.

A war in Iraq? Give me a pair of sai and it'll be over in 24 hours. Maybe 23. Global warming? Psssh...bring on the tidal waves, I'll surf them the whole way to St. Louis and then douse a styrofoam cup in hairspray and burn it just becasue. Hell, if Barry Bonds had no fear, for real no fear, he would take steroids in the dugout, break the home run record, then break Bud Selig's face and anyone else's face that said a word about the ordeal. Is this not the perfect world???

Maybe it'll catch on again, maybe not. I can assure you I'll do my damnedest to try, because it's not the size of the dog in the fight- it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Molly Ringwald vs. Rachel Leigh Cook (conspiracy)

The Parties Involved and Coinciding Descriptions

1) Molly Ringwald

Movie of Note: Pretty in Pink

Appearing in seemingly every Eighties movie that dealt with teen angst, Ringwald probably in some way helped to spawn 90's suburbanite kids claiming to have problems just because it seemed cool. See: emo music and later on- the ever-present cookie cutter myspace kid. Thanks Moll. However, I do like her, despite the fact that she has red hair and wore a pink dress in the aforementioned smash hit. Granted, I understand the title and so on was already in the books, but honestly- every girl knows if you have red hair, you just don't wear a pink dress. Oh and thanks for helping the career of that guy who's not funny in "Two and Half Men." Not that the other one and a half men are any more knee-slapping, but still, that's 40% you could've done away with. At least you turned him down at the prom in the movie. On to Ms. Cook.

2) Rachel Leigh Cook

Movie : She's All That (or, the only one that people know her from)

The girl that made Sixpence None the Richer millions of dollars by walking down the stairs in that red dress. In the process, every guy from 1999 until- do i dare say forever?- has scoured and will scour past and present yearbook pages with more care than an Army private minesweeper in Iraq, looking for that one ugly duckling (awww...fairytales!!) who they can save from the wretched grasp of unpopularity and their inferior aesthetic exterior. Except the date came down the stairs and she was still the girl with the Marilyn Manson shirt and zombie blood lipstick (a real color according to Spencer's gift store) who still thinks fishnets are "in." And then we all had to face the facts- juggling a hackeysack is not that cool.

The Conspiracy:
Both girls are outcast, mid to lower society chicks. However, both are quite attractive. First off, this is already impossible in real life. I mean, c'mon, poor girls are never good looking, everyone knows that! Next. Both have rich, popular boys wanting to open them up to the world and show them that the cool kids really are nice. Although, between the lines, it's obvious the guys just wanted to gain their trust and then date-rape them. Look for it in the sequels. Next. Both of them have single parents- both dads. Both their dads talk to them like a little-bit-too-inquisitive therapist, the kind that go to jail after the F.B.I. seizes their computers. Therapist. Separate the two words within that one word. Exactly. Next. Both of them go to the prom with someone else- and then finally end up with their dreamy boys in the end. For this, I can't blame Rachel Leigh Cook, because let's be honest- Freddy Prinze, Jr. is dreamy. In addition, the memorable moment in both movies is seeing the girls in their prom dresses. Finally and somewhat depressingly, both movies were the actresses pinnacles.

Conclusion: Whoever wrote the script for "She's All That" pulled a Vanilla Ice and ripped off an eighties classic that everyone can still enjoy. Well, in Ice's case, on VH1 and weddings and the occasional Halloween party.

One last point: Both girls are now "Whatever Happened To" girls, stars who were popular at one point and have now fallen to the level where I could probably win them over by hitting a triple-twenty in a game of darts at a local bar. Which I like. Let's do this thing, Rachel Leigh.